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theonion:

Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack

I contributed this idea to The Onion and it ran on their TV show a while back. Now the full video is available online. Enjoy!

The Onion – BREAKING: Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Fame Returns To Claim Firstborn Child

I wrote this idea! This might be my proudest moment contributing to The Onion. 

Also two little one liners:

30% Of America’s GDP Now Oscar Buzz

Matt LeBlanc Really Excited To See Matt LeBlanc Return To TV

Jan 3

If you watched the video that The Onion put out today you may have watched an idea that I contributed at the end.  

Here’s the whole video which is way funnier than my shitty joke.

Surgeon General: Smoking Fine As Long As You Only Do It When You Drink

"And that brings us to the #1 sports story of 2011 … yeah … Penn State. Clearly the … top …sports story of the year [eye roll]"

"Congratulations to everyone involved. You deserve it."

Oct 6
Tuesday night was the premier of The Onion News Network and would you look at that! I got a TV writing credit (editor’s note: a contributing TV writer, but still).
Not only that but they used an idea I submitted as a featured piece! The title was “Child Who Was Attacked By Shark Thinks Horrific Tragedy Was The Coolest Thing Ever”
I’ll try and post video of it later, but don’t know if they’ll post it. In the mean time here are some illegal screengrabs.

Tuesday night was the premier of The Onion News Network and would you look at that! I got a TV writing credit (editor’s note: a contributing TV writer, but still).

Not only that but they used an idea I submitted as a featured piece! The title was “Child Who Was Attacked By Shark Thinks Horrific Tragedy Was The Coolest Thing Ever”

I’ll try and post video of it later, but don’t know if they’ll post it. In the mean time here are some illegal screengrabs.

I had a one-liner run in the latest video from The Onion. Check out it out! (it’s the very first thing to run at 0:01)

I had a one-liner run in the latest video from The Onion. Check out it out! (it’s the very first thing to run at 0:01)

Hooray! The Onion accepted one of my jokes for their crawl. It’s the very first one (at about 0:06)

U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan

So here’s a secret I haven’t been really spreading around but I’ve been contributing ideas to The Onion News Network for the last couple of months. So far I’ve been met with nothing but resounding rejection. But a one-liner I submitted got accepted and ran in the latest installment (at around 1:04 in the crawl at the bottom).

Can’t tell you how excited I am. Probably one of the proudest moments of my life.